when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
You Might Also Like
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way