what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me and my fake scenarios
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
This is enough internet for the day.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*updates tinder bio*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?