I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You Might Also Like
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
only 11 steps left
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket