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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?