Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.