Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
my friends when i can’t do basic math
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”