I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
🙂🐾
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?