When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Lmao the reply
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
ready to be harvested
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.