Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
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therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.