Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
the icebreaker
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
can’t bark with your mouth full
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?