Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
You Might Also Like
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
🍛
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…