Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”