10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
You Might Also Like
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.