Well, that should do it
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here