Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!