We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital