Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.