Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
You Might Also Like
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”