Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time