Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
(2022)
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in