One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
BaD BoY!!
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore