WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
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Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I am having an out of money experience.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.