“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Sing it!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
This is Sparta
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.