Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
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I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Wednesday
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
oh you wanna fight?!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.