What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.