Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
spot the difference
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Where is your GOD now????
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.