I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!