It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Ha.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar