You Might Also Like
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?