would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
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[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.