Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
guys i’ve cracked the code
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”