ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
#StillHurts
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.