I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here