[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Good boy 😂😂
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle