God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
lol
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up