Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*