People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
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Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I need better friends
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.