It’s an epidemic…
You Might Also Like
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
thank god
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great