Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
are they though??
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there