I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
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Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though