building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Whoa 😂
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.