Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
You Might Also Like
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??