I need to get some bricks…
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen