My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
podcasts
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
somewhere, in an alternate universe
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store