I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.