Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a