I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
This is me
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.