I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
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Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks