Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
You Might Also Like
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
emergency phone
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.