When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.